


where there's shadow, there's light

by silberbunt



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Jisung is suffering, M/M, Minho may seem like an asshole but he's actually a fragile sweetheart, Non-Graphic Violence, Sad with a Happy Ending, actually it's hidden strangers to lovers, but in soft, c o l o r s, i don't know how Korea's schools work, my twin said that apparently it's sad and angsty so, other stray kids members appear if you squint, there's hidden love and fluff, they just punsh each other, they're SO dense i'm, throwbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-08 04:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 11,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21229694
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silberbunt/pseuds/silberbunt
Summary: “i never understood why people were looking at my art with these disgusted glints swimming in their eyes. what made my art so different from theirs?”“they were just jealous because their artworks could never compare to yours. they felt threatened, so they saved their ego by looking down on you”“you’re only saying that now because you helped me creating them, Minnie.”“the only thing i ever wanted was the heat of your touch on my skin.”or: in which Jisung and Minho painted each others skin with blues and purples back in high school and crossed paths again years later.





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LikeAPanda](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LikeAPanda/gifts).

> hi hello and therefore welcome to the officially longest story i've written. (in the shortest time of all, do you mind)  
basically, this is just a huge load of Jisung contemplating his whole life and his feelings. i basically projected myself onto Jisung and it may seem illogical to you, but everything is actually really happening to me coz i'm a mess when it comes to feelings.  
also, in case you missed it, this story contains fighting but not too graphic, i embellished it lol.  
and, before you go ahead and read it, i just wanted to warn you that i suck at direct speech, thank you.  
now you can start reading, have fun.
> 
> (also, please excuse all my tense mistakes.  
my twin and my friend did everything possible to correct my dumb ass but you never know.)

i sometimes remember the times i was in high school. memories surrounded with the brightest green, mixing with a dirty gray and black. and sometimes, sometimes there are little dots of blue and yellow, a dull melody of melancholia accompanying the faded moving pictures.

because high school has never been the time of someone's glory. and because happiness has never been associated with a color, floating between our unsaid words, never within one's grasp, shaping the melodies of one's future.

i'd rather forget those miserable pictures.

but i'll always remember those messages, written with dying pencils on already dead wood.

i had that one hideout, being there for me when people weren't. high school had never been bright, but that hideout was. i liked to think of colors floating through the cracks of the dead wood, bringing liveliness into the abandoned building, chasing off faint voices of laughing kids, a ghost of my memories i have never experienced myself.

the colors have never reached the messages, though. because a dull aura always surrounded the words i nearly couldn't decipher. they consisted of a potpourri of letters, sometimes not even making sense, sometimes, though, forming a sentence full of sorrow. gloria was seldom in those thoughts written down to remember.

the color of the dying pencil black, fitting to its surroundings. my pencil, though, such a bright green, sticked out like a naive kid deep in the old woods behind the hideout.

i thought the words may have belonged to someone who lost the memories now floating through my mind, someone years ago, when this hideout still has been a buzzing hut on the high school property and not full of dying remnants.

but under my green words appeared a black potpourri not even a week later, an answer to my thoughts nobody cared about. till now.

_ love can be so diverse, and i learned to love the mystery of black words showing up under or beside my green creativity. soon, the dying wood was covered in words that created one lyrics after another, the sound, though, only playing in our minds. _

_ i have never met the arcane person that left such an impression on me, though i couldn't shake off the feeling of being watched whenever my feet stepped over the threshold of the warped hut. _


	2. chapter I

_ in high school, i was a kid that always searched for trouble. distracting me from problems i only confronted when being safe in my hideout, i never tried to hold back the anger boiling under my skin. i had quite a few people that... weren't really fond of me. i didn't like them either, it rested on mutuality. _

_ there wasn't really a day bruises didn't litter my limbs, turning my skin in an unbelievable beautiful masterpiece. _

_ nobody around me liked my art, though. so i was alone once again, the blue and gray floating around me, caressing my hands and head, never letting anyone through they didn't trust. therefore Minho being the only one privileged touching me with more than just hatred; although i've never been sure what other sensation tinged his eyes darker, never sure what made his fists just that tad softer and his eyes just that tad lighter. maybe it were those moments in the crowded hallway, when his gaze lingered just that little bit longer on me than it was supposed to. or it were those moments when his hand landed on my shoulder, shoving me against my locker, his lips more than a ghost on mine, always tasting like blood. _

_ but i've never understood the color floating around his head, the tingling where his hands touched me with more than a clenched fist. _

_ i've never understood people in general, they have always remained an unsolved mystery to me. _

_ just like the potpourri written with a dying black pencil on already dead wood in my hideout. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

the world was quiet when i was woken up from my restless slumber this morning. nothing more than faint raindrops hitting the surface of my dirty skylight window reached my seemingly deaf ears, though those pathetic droplets did nothing to clean those miserable and broken dreams off the only window that allowed me the view of my future.

thinking of it, i have never been one who looked through that glass with delight anyways, so i once again avoided my thoughts drifting to that specific place. instead i reached my crooked fingers to the only source lighting up my room on such a quiet day, pulling out its energy and letting the darkness engulf my humble room.

i wasn't in the mood to face the present today, either.

wandering around my apartment colored in blackness used to be a challenge for me i confronted at least once a week, though i've quickly gotten used to bumping my feet at everything and anything and nearly falling over something i've thrown to the floor some time ago on my way to the kitchen and back into the comforting silence of my bedroom. it was a daily routine i was so accustomed to, even my colors left me alone for that little of time, rather taking a rest in the depths of the hollowness.

it was one of those lazy days during the week when just nothing seemed to get me out of my bed except this inner voice telling me i can't skip work, no matter how huge the urge is to just throw myself back into the cushions of my old bed, shuddering because of the screech that it produces due to the sudden weight.

so boiling the hot water for my tea to at least wake me up a little bit, i couldn't help myself but think about how off this day felt like already. it's like my colors are creeping up behind me with this shuddering sensation of a turning point mixing up my routine i was so used to.

i didn't want to leave my house with this anxiety lurking over my shoulder so blood covetous, didn't feel safe at all to leave my comforting four walls, although i knew i couldn't stay here without blaming myself later on. so i grabbed my tea and stepped over the threshold of my apartment with trembling fingers and a fuzzy mind, making my way through Seouls gray morning streets.

*･☪︎·̩͙

my mind has never forgotten that someone who was let through my colors, who was the only one privileged to touch me with more than just hatred, although never sure why my eyes were only focused on him and why my hands were so keen on feeling every inch of his skin where his sweaters tended to slip off his shoulder. my mind never forgot Minho, so to say i was taken aback as soon as my eyes landed on him after so many years of nothing was an understatement.

you could mean we changed so much after leaving high school with a certificate in our hands, sure of never returning back to this cruel place. and we sure did.

i grew up from that little kid that saw its skin as a canvas, painting it with pain and relief. my facial features turned from desperate to tired and my hands never saw a split wound anymore. maybe i haven't changed that much after all, though, because that little flame in me is still burning a bright red and orange that, over the span of the time, ended in surrounding me like a safe wall, replacing the miserable blue and gray from my childhood days.

and that specific fire expanded its heat as soon as i let my eyes slid over Minho's figure. his soft cheeks turned into prominent cheekbones, letting his face appear even fiercer than it did back in high school, and his body seemed to have lost that little remainder of baby fat, replacing it with firm muscles. my fingers couldn't help themselves but to twitch as soon as my gaze spotted the way his thin sweater stretched over his strong arms.

yeah, you could say we changed so much after leaving each other after high school, but my mind is too tenacious to not recognize Minho as soon as my eyes laid sight on him.

the first words he spoke to me after all these years of not meeting each gazes were the same that he said to me on the first day we met, when i was still a little kid, frightened from the new surroundings in the new school. back then, my colors were still a vibrant green, like the pencil i used to write menacing words on old and rotten wooden walls in my hideout with.

though as we had been still kids, the first time we had met, his voice had been a little bit more piercing, his movements a little bit more lost but still brutish like high school kids tend to carry themselves when they want to emit this certain dominance.

but the way he seemed to forget about his surroundings, completely ignoring the people in his way, didn't change even a tad. he still ran me over like he did back then.

you may think that, after all those years, i have forgotten the color of his voice, how he always coated his words with a little anxiety, though still trying to hide it in the hopes nobody ever will notice. he failed. and the anxiety still surrounded the little lisp of his words till this day when he said those exact same words he did back then. though i wasn't used to this soft undertone that let a pastel pink escape his plush lips, wasn't used to finding something else in his eyes than pure hatred and this other sensation that tinged his eyes just that bit darker.

"ah, i'm so sorry, i didn't see you there!"

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ it actually was my first day at this new school. _

_ i was used to being alone since i grew up with no friends but rather animals surrounding me on my sad days, when the rain just wouldn't stop falling, silencing the world in such a frightening though still peaceful way. _

_ still, on this specific day, i wished for nothing more than a human being on my side, suffering from the same anxiety because of new surroundings like i did back then. though i knew there wouldn't be someone, i still wished. but my wishes were never heard and my way over the threshold of this gigantic door wasn't accompanied by soft mutters of reassurance but rather by my strong beating heart, so strong i feared someone might hear. _

_ this school was nothing i was used to. the building too big for my small frame, i felt like i would disappear between those still clean white walls that seemed to scream at me to turn around and never come back. _

_ so to say me getting lost in those endless seeming corridors was unpredictable was a big lie. i soon found myself in the tract that, would i need to guess, appeared like the tract for all the clubs the school offered. _

_ since it still was the first day after summer holidays, the tract nearly seemed to be dead, wouldn't it be for the faint music that reached my ears from somewhere deeper in this corridor. _

_ i slowly started walking again, too curious for my own good to just ignore this enticing sound echoing between the now pastel pink walls, reaching my seemingly deaf ears with such a force. it came from a dark brown door, it seeming so out of place in this so bright and friendly tract. and as i was about to peek through the small window in the upper half of the robust door, tiptoeing since my height wasn't the one you normally expect from a boy in my age, the music stopped out of a sudden and me, being easily scared, jumped back, big eyes fixed on the strange door. _

_ i have never found out to which club exactly that room was a home to because of the boy stepping through the dark brown door. _

_ i've never seen someone like him before, his hazel hair framing a round face with a petite nose and small though quite presentable pink lips and his eyes had that certain wrinkles from probably smiling as much, you could be jealous of. his face was quite average, though he had this graceful glint to it that made you stop in the corridor just to watch him go by in awe. _

_ yeah, he was quite good looking, you would say, though the tint in his voice made you step back a bit in respect. even back then, in the beginning of the school year, he carried himself like he owned so much. _

_ and still, in this fleeting moment when he seemed to overlook me and knocked me down, there was this certain anxiety coating his words that just wouldn't leave my mind for weeks. _

_ "ah, i'm so sorry, i didn't see you there!" _

*･☪︎·̩͙

completely immersed in my thoughts, i didn't see the hand Minho was offering me to heave me up from the dirty and wet floor till he himself was crouching down in front of me, observing me with a worried look.

i didn't notice i have just slipped into my past memories like that, completely forgetting that i was sitting on the floor like a pathetic broken man. so i jumped up out of reflex, wiping off the dirt that stuck to my black pants and stammering something inaudible while trying to hide the blush that crept up to my cheeks in embarrassment.

"are you okay?"

his voice once again hit me like a rock flying through my window into my personal space. not knowing how to react to that soft and worried tint of his voice that shot just more pastel pink curls my way, i once again started the inaudible word-waterfall. and, after realizing this wouldn't have a good ending, i bowed deeply and turned around just to nearly flee from that awkward second first meeting with one of the people i've never forgotten.

i couldn't bring myself to look back one last time, too scared of those eyes haunting me in my sleepless nights.


	3. chapter II

the walk to my work place was quiet, at least as quiet as it could get with a furiously beating heart and endless running thoughts.

seeing the one person that occupied my mind without even a pause back in high school left me with that kind of shock that just wouldn't let you form at least one coherent thought without stumbling over twenty other thoughts simultaneously. 

Minho was still as beautiful as back then.

that was the only sentence i could clearly decipher in this potpourri of sounds in my head. and it was true. Minho still carried himself with this elegance that made him so untouchable in high school. that made him so ethereal.

though furiously shaking my head, i tried to get rid of those addicting thoughts clouding my mind, making it all fuzzy till my gaze got blurry and my hands clammy. i knew i needed to get him out of my mind, because once my mind got an idea, it wouldn't rest till it got what it wanted.

so with slightly flipping my head as an idea of distraction, and people looking at me weirdly as i'm passing them by, i finally arrived at where i was spending the majority of my waking hours.

the flowers in front of my shop smelt like the autumn that surrounded us, welcoming me with their unique way of completely letting me relax and calm down.

though as soon as i stepped over the threshold of my shop, the smell changed from autumn to winter and from winter to spring as i continued my way through the aisles full of blooming flowers. on my way to the counter, i flipped on the light; although i preferred being in the dark, my flowers didn't.

especially not my gorgeous summer flowers directly in front of my counter, smiling at me and welcoming me back with that enticing smell of a never dying youth.

although i favoured the season that's currently covering the earth outside of my shop, nobody could escape the grasps of the beauty of your own happiness. with a touch of my crooked fingers, i greeted the petals coated in yellow while passing by to the back of the shop to prepare myself for the upcoming workday.

*･☪︎·̩͙

although i liked to pretend that i had grown up from that little kid that had found consolation in broken words written on dead wood, i've never really done.

people still seemed like a mystery to me, therefore i still preferred not crossing paths with them too often, rather hiding behind my flowers; a replacement of all the animals that were my comfort during my childhood. once, i even had a cat wandering around the aisles, guarding my darlings when i couldn't. but he passed away not that long ago after gifting me affection for such a long time. he left a hole nobody succeeded in filling till now.

so i was alone in my shop, managing my work while quietly humming to the song playing over the speakers in each corners. it also was a routine i was so accustomed to and i was happy with how things were.

and slowly but steadily, with each day passing, the encounter with those heavenly eyes and figure so admirable slowly slipped out of my mind, the only remnants of these memories were those pastel pink curls surrounding me like i was something precious you should treat with caution.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ i can't really remember the last time i was looked at like i could break when they touch me the wrong way. when people glanced at me in high school, they just only always carried this look in their eyes, like i'm such a miserable nuisance, though still mixed with this slight fear, backing away as soon as my hands turned to fists and my eyes narrowed in annoyance. _

_ so i can't really remember. i think it was the second time i met Minho, two weeks after our first encounter. he was sitting in the cafeteria during lunch break, encircled by people you could call the cool kids, laughing with this adorable crinkle under his eyes, surrounded by oh such bright purple. i think it was the last time i saw him genuinely happy as well. _

_ though his expression soon changed, and till this day i still blame myself for ruining this beautiful smile, chasing away the brightest colors i've ever seen accompanying a human being. _

_ people weren't really fond of me, even at the beginning of high school, when i was still writing my book of life with a naive green. maybe it was because i was such an easy target; with a petite frame and cheeks like the ones of a squirrel, people just seemed to couldn't stay away from me. either was it my backpack being hold upside down because it was just so funny to watch things fall down, or, like that day in the cafeteria, tripping me up because they learned in school that gravity was an actual thing that exists. they've never really left me alone. _

_ though that day, as i was collecting my things from the floor, trying to safe my food as good as i could, the red laughter of them quickly stopped floating around me so impudently because of a tanned hand reaching out to me with the intention to help me up from the dirty floor. i wasn't used to kindness like this, so instead of taking it i just let my gaze wander up the boy completely dressed in black except the blue jacket that reminded me of a rainy spring day, letting it wander till it reached his eyes, oh those soft brown eyes, filled with this look like i was a precious glass sculpture symbolizing the life of the youth. _

_ it was the last time someone ever looked at me like that. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

it was about two weeks later when that tingling sensation appeared once again, warning me of something unknown. i didn't know what it wanted to tell me till i saw those brown eyes again.

the lightish "Ting-A-Ling!" of the bell above the entrance door of my shop was waking me up from my sorrowful memories-sleep i, once again, slipped into without noticing. this seemed to happen more often these days and i probably should be at least a little bit concerned, though the man appearing in my entrance let all my thoughts tangle like it's nothing and i ended up with throwing my mind out of the window to get away from that potpourri at least once.

he didn't look at me as soon as he stepped over the threshold, rather letting his gaze wander around my darlings. i couldn't decipher the look he carried in his gaze, the light from outside letting his face bath in shadows, though i imagined spotting a small crinkle under his eyes, usually forming when the man wears a smile on his face.

"can i help you? are you searching for something specific?", i finally asked, my voice wavering slightly due to how nervous i was from seeing him again after such a short time. it seemed like my voice teared him out of his thoughts because his head shot up, gaze now directed at me; and i really thought i couldn't get more nervous, though looking into his eyes left me in this kind of shock again.

trying to form a polite smile to at least safe a little bit of my ego, i looked at him expectantly. i still had this hope left that he wouldn't notice my nervousness from where he was standing, though it probably was hopeless.

nervously scratching his head like he used to back in high school, maybe Minho actually didn't change that much after all, he gazed at me like he didn't know how to put his thoughts into words. though finally opening his mouth to say something, he averted his gaze again.

"i'm looking for something... constant. something that's firm as a rock, like an anchor, though still lively like back in the youth. something that... emits warmth."

during his explanation, Minho slowly took one step after another till he nearly reached my counter, though still leaving that little bit of unknown distance between us. and after a short pause, after me looking at him curiously, he muttered a "it's my mom's birthday" so quietly that i nearly didn't catch his words.

my features softened after this, a tender smile finding its place on my lips. carefully, i stepped forward around my counter, making my way through the aisles till i reached my spring flowers, their scent especially strong after a stranger stepped through the door into their world.

i had the perfect flower for Minho and i must say i'm really proud that he chose one of my darlings for his purpose, knowing that they will be under great care in his hands.

i let my gaze wander over the rose and purple petals till it reached what i was looking for, my crooked hands carefully taking them out of their vase and turning around to meet Minho's gaze again, who apparently followed me with quiet steps, now standing a few feet away from me.

"this is a chrysanthemum. its dark magenta petals radiate briskness and happiness, her name standing for constancy. what's more is that people tend to call her "mum" since they're too lazy to say the full name."

during the last sentence, a wide smile found itself a way on my lips, letting my eyes reduce to crescents. like a mirror, an all the same smile spreads across Minho's face and full of, what i guessed, satisfaction he clapped his hands together like a little kid finally getting the sweets it wanted for so long. it was an adorable trait of his that my mind probably wouldn't let go of for the next decades.

"ah, it's perfect!", he said, a warm undertone emitting pastel pink curls into my flower shop, letting them float around my darlings, caressing their delicate petals; it was beautiful.

with a content hum i collected everything i needed for the bouquet, returning back to my counter to tie it. all the while, i could feel his soft brown eyes on me, following every movement i made like a hawk following its prey. at this realisation, my fingers began to tremble again ever so slightly, my heart so loud i imagined hearing it beating in my chest and my red and orange flailing wildly like a safe wall.

i finished quickly, not wanting his eyes on me just a second longer; though it seemed like it wouldn't make any difference either way. because when i raised my head to look at Minho, i was met with such an intense glint in his eyes, it reminded me of the times in the empty hallway when i felt his lips on mine, always tasting like blood, never like anything else, never fully pleasing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally live for Jisung calling his flowers darlings


	4. chapter III

after that day, Minho seemed to come by more often. was it just him standing outside of the shop, studying the delicate petals of my autumn flowers and thinking i wouldn't notice him glancing through the window into the shop every so often, or was it him actually stepping over the threshold with a quiet "Ting-A-Ling!" to wander through the aisles and bath in the scent my darlings gave him full of pride. they slowly got used to his presence but i still didn't. and i doubted i ever will.

he never really seemed to have a specific request when he came by, though he never went out with empty hands either. my flowers were just too enticing to walk away without tasting even a little bit of them.

and one day he stepped up to my counter, staring at me with those soft brown eyes like he had done so often in the past few weeks, though now they seemed to be full of a potpourri like the mine i got so used to because of his presence, like a fight of light and shadow in his eyes, making them dull and letting a gray escape to accompany the melodies coming from my speaker. i've never seen such a conflicting gaze in his eyes before, not even after the first time his fist met my body.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ after the first and last time Minho looked at me with this pastel pink surrounding him, eyeing me with this gaze as if i was something that breaks so easily, i started my masterpiece. _

_ soon the naive green changed to a dull blue and gray, surrounding me in the intention to never let anyone through again that hasn't in mind to help me complete my artwork. it was a coping mechanism i wasn't really proud of, though it helped where it should and that was everything i was asking for. _

_ i haven’t met Minho even one single time in those few weeks when i began making people fear my name and step back as soon as they heard my growling voice. it was a welcome break from the constant nagging of the older students, because even those seemed to stay out of my field of vision, rather sparing their skin from blue and purple colors decorating it. it was kind of ridiculous, thinking of it. they bullied those who were toothless but stayed hidden when they threatened to get even the tiniest scar. _

_ only around one month after our last encounter was it that Minho stepped into my life again. it was a time where i've already forgotten how my skin looked like without bruises and scars littering it, a time where i've even forgotten to breathe properly at some point. i was desperate and i was mad, and those two things never went well together. _

_ i actually couldn't remember anymore how it truly started, how the colors around me formed a big bubble, just encircling the both of us, letting everyone know to stay away. because it was a time where i've stopped listening to my brain, where i just lived without regretting. _

_ i still remember the look in Minho's eyes, though. the soft brown was gone, replaced by a dark color i couldn't decipher, and the crinkle under his eyes rather equalled a furious wrinkle, the softness completely missing. i've never seen Minho like this, it was like looking a stranger in the eyes rather than someone you secretly watched every free second. maybe that was the reason why it was so easy for me to throw my fist at him, treating him like everyone else that stepped into my way, though still a little bit different. and it felt just so exhilarating as his knuckles met my bare skin, leaving behind a tingling sensation i couldn't tell the meaning off. _

_ i've always loved the brushstrokes Minho added to my masterpiece the most. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

after this vulnerable look he shot me over the counter, even the last of all the doubts that he maybe has forgotten the boy that has only brought pain to him back in high school vanished. maybe it was because he wanted me to, but his gaze just wrote a thousand books i could read without a single question.

though the gray accompanying the sounds floating through my flower shop soon turned to pastel pink again and his mind closed itself afresh, adamant on not letting me through anymore like he did in this fleeting moment.

i don't know what exactly he wanted to accomplish with this sorrowful outburst, but i think he succeeded in it nonetheless. i averted my gaze after this, not knowing how to react to a person laying all their cards onto the table. i wasn't used to people opening themselves in front of me, have i always been too overwhelmed with human's emotions since i was a kid. so i started fidgeting with my fingers to avert my thoughts tumbling over each other, till a trembling hand found its place on mine. i was too shy to raise my head and look the only person that succeeded in breaking through to me into the eyes, but i didn't need to anyways, because my hands soon feeling as cold as they've never done before, i watched the absence of a touch that shouldn't make me feel like it did.

it was the first time Minho left my flower shop with empty hands.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ after my first fight with Minho, i fled from everyone's eyes watching me; they just made me feel so naked again like they've lastly done a month ago, when i was still a pathetic broken kid. i didn't know what made the fight with Minho end so differently, didn't know what made my skin tingle like the brightest colors were caressing it. but i knew that he was the first person that made me feel like that. and i kind of knew as well that there probably won't be another person that'll make my thoughts collide like him. _

_ so fleeting from their raw gazes, i found my way behind the school building, where nature did what it wanted and where human hands decided they wouldn't interfere no longer. behind in this overgrown shambles i found an abandoned hut, too old and rotten to still guess its use back in the days, but still stable enough to explore its memories it held between its dead wood, to absorb the colors those energetic and content kids left behind on their best days. _

_ so my hand reaching out to the wet wood, it was a silent day today where the rain hit the floor in a steady rhythm and the world held its breath, i stepped over the threshold into an older world. i felt a gaze on me as i left my world, though it didn't feel like the naked looks those gawping schoolfellows threw at me like it was nothing, it rather felt comforting in a peculiar kind of way. _

_ though forgetting this feeling as soon as my feet stepped on the creaking old wood, i found myself enamoured in the beauty this place held. _

_ it didn't take long till i've chosen this place as something that could welcome me as soon as humans started to scare me again. _

_ letting my crooked fingers wander over the rough surface of the dead wood after my eyes scanned every corner of the hut, i soon found a place that caught my interest. the wall of dead wood carried a black potpourri of nearly illegible sentences, often making less sense than they probably should. _

_ i thought they belonged to a person that was here a long time ago, as it was still a buzzing hut on the high school property. though after i left my tumbling green thoughts back on this wall like this other person did such a seemingly long time ago, and i left the hideout with a content feeling in my chest, a black shadow flit through the creaking door into an older world. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

Minho continued visiting my flower shop like he did before, though this burdensome black cloud refused to stop casting shadows over his once soft features. now he looked so gray, ashes found a place on crinkles only a man that has smiled a thousand smiles a thousand years ago should have. i was worried; my heart couldn't help but stop with grief every time Minho stepped through the door, but i knew he wouldn't talk to me, no matter how often i'd ask.

i actually couldn't really remember when i've last heard Minho's voice. when he wandered around the aisles, i never received anything else than silence. though it was okay. i wasn't a person of big words either and the silence that engulfed us, only disturbed by the soft sounds escaping my speakers, floating around my darlings, was something that gave me ease and comfort. so i bathed in it nearly every day while watching Minho as he talked to my darlings through gazes covered in an unknown glint. he took a liking to my spring flowers it seemed, because they received the most affection of that beautiful man as he caressed their delicate petals with such deep care.

i couldn't help myself but let the gaze that found him every so often turn unbelievably soft and my fingers twitch in anticipation to touch him again like they used to back in high school.


	5. chapter IV

the ghost of his touch even haunted me back into my apartment, floating around me till i got tired of these quiet whispers making me go crazy. the black color emitting from the ghost painted the rooms in an ugly shade of desperation and covered the green meadowland normally decorating my miserable walls.

so i decided to leave the four walls, suffocating me till i believed i only saw the soft brown of his eyes anymore. my feet stepped over the threshold of my apartment and i imagined feeling a weight lifting up from my chest and i could finally breathe properly again like i couldn't for so long. i was greeted by rain outside, it seeming like the only thing Seoul was capable of giving us as an excuse. though i didn't mind the rain. i honestly never did, because the world seemed all the more at peace in such times. the blue chased away the gray lingering at the sides of the streets and in the shady alleys where everyone just walked by without ever looking.

i always believed that rain was for the world what an apology was for the people; a cleanup of all the nasty promises that were broken and of all the sad behaviour that we were used to so desperately. a cleanup of the pressure on our shoulders that something just doesn't seem right.

so when rain falls down on the busy roads and pavements of Seoul, the city takes a breath and lets go. it was always beautiful to watch how silent it could get in a city that seemingly never slept just because of a few clouds crying their sorrows out. though the water drops hitting the asphalt made me go deaf, they were so loud in the quietness of the night, even louder than my thoughts back in my apartment. so i couldn't help myself but drown in this potpourri that was thrown at me so carelessly.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ my heart always craved for the feelings his touches left on my skin. when he so seamlessly changed his fists meeting my already blue spots into soft fingers caressing my cheeks. _

_ my heart always craved for the feelings his lips left on mine. when he caught me in the empty hallway, looking at me with this gaze i was never able to decipher. _

_ it always seemed to be the same mantram, i would even go as far and call it a routine. when his mouth closed itself after spitting insults after me like it was a normal conversation, realising he wouldn't get my attention with only his voice as his tool. i think i could even recognise Minho on the way his feet hit the floor when he was speeding up his pace behind me to catch up to my slouched figure. it may seem like Minho always initiated the state of throwing fists between us, but i think the only thing he ever wanted was my undivided attention. though me never realising people's true thoughts, i rescued myself with my knuckles meeting his skin where his sweater loved to slip down his shoulder. _

_ it always started with that, with painting the skin of each other till we were satisfied with the picture. it always ended in Minho digging his fingers into my shoulders, though, his hot breath tickling my ear as he shoved me against the wall nearest to us. _

_ "why can't you just realise?", it was always the same five words he whispered into my ear, letting a shudder run down my spine because of the husky tint his voice got when he was breathless. my fingers twitched with the need to touch him again, so they found their way into Minho's hair, like they were so accustomed to the feeling the soft strands left on the bruised knuckles. it was always in this fleeting moment when the other sensation that tinged Minho's eyes darker turned just that tad more intense, when my heartbeat picked up the pace till i was scared he could hear the loud beating, the blood rushing. _

_ i never thought about the words he whispered to me after each fight because i knew i just wouldn't understand anyway. i just rather welcomed his mouth crushing onto mine, welcomed the moan he let escape through it. most people would describe the lips they're kissed with as soft and plush, but Minho's never were like that. i rather enjoyed letting my tongue wander over the cuts in his lips, absorbing the feeling of his rugged skin. though the dominance was always on his side, i didn't mind at all. it was kind of relieving to just live in the moment without the worry of control on the situation. and i think Minho knew that, because his lips wandering down to my jawline, leaving a little bit different bruises behind, just screamed dominance in their brightest glory. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

raindrops hitting my heated skin tearing me out of my not so proper thoughts for the now blue streets of Seoul. covering my from embarrassment pink cheeks with my trembling hands, i continued my walk on the pavement coated in glistening rain. the air smelled like wet dirt, nothing new for this gray city, though in this specific moment i hated it, now craving the smell of my flowers all the more.

_ "why can't you just realise?" _ his words i heard so often back in high school refused to leave my mind now, floating around the potpourri of thoughts, though never getting tangled with them. they were too strong to just drown in all the other sentences, rather being stubborn on standing out like Minho always did in my flower shop.

"why can't i just realise?", i whispered into the quietness of a night in Seoul, the words escaping my lips with such a desperation, echoing from the gray walls of the buildings surrounding me. though no answer came back, only the pathetic sound of the water drops hitting the asphalt under me. i thought i might go crazy.

so i let a scream fill the silent surrounding me, a desperate attempt in letting me feel less lonely. they say it lifts whatever problem lets you breathe less steady off your chest when you just scream it out, but my mind wouldn't stop talking and my fingers wouldn't stop trembling. and the floor just wouldn't stop shaking, making me feel dizzy till my eyes couldn't grasp what was in front of me anymore. and so my legs gave in to my weight, letting me fall down to the wet floor like the pathetic man i was, laughing at me just so spitefully.

*･☪︎·̩͙

wandering around in a night of Seoul filled with rain turned out to not being such a great idea at all. sneezing for the at least tenth time this morning, i made my way through the still wet streets, my flower shop the destination of today. i was kind of afraid to open my shop this morning, the desperate feeling of yesterday night still not vanished, leaving a dull feeling inside my stomach. but i craved for the smell of my darlings and the songs they always sang for me as an attempt to cheer me up at least a little bit.

so turning around my key in the lock, i opened my other world again completely lost in my thoughts, therefore not noticing the black figure peeking around the edge of the house, the black cloud still as present as ever, hovering over the figure. his gaze never seemed to leave me, following every single one of my movements. it reminded me of the feeling of being watched whenever my feet stepped over the threshold of the warped hut back in high school.

my flowers welcomed me as cheerful as ever, though their smell seemed to lessen with each step i was taking towards my counter. winter was approaching slowly, i thought. caressing the petals of my summer flowers, i gave them the permission to prepare themselves for their hibernation, the feeling in my stomach intensifying with my mind drifting off to the feeling of sadness when letting the summer die inside the shop while winter was covering the earth outside. as much as i loved autumn, when winter lurked around the corner, i couldn't help myself but feel lonely all over again.

Seoul wasn't pretty in winter, not at all. the snow occasionally falling ended up in gray mud on the sides of the busy streets, people ignoring it as best as they could. winter was a time where you needed someone to not drown in the feeling of never being enough, never being needed. and i never had someone.

the quiet "Ting-A-Ling!" of the little bell above my door teared me out of my thoughts again, letting me hastily turn around to greet the customer. though my face dropped as soon as my eyes laid sight on Minho standing right in front of the now closed door. i knew he would come by today, of course i knew, he did it nearly every day after all. but my mind wasn't prepared to confront him just now, just today. my fingers still trembled and my mind just wouldn't stop talking, i wasn't prepared at all.

he greeted me with a smile that just wouldn't reach his eyes, just like every day, though today his feet started walking into my direction instead of through the aisles, like he used to do every day before. afraid, i took a step back out of reflex, though regretting as soon as i saw hurt flashing over the beautiful features of the man opposite of me, letting me flinch. so i stopped my legs from moving any further when he made his way over to me, his eyes determined though still carrying that little anxiety that he never seemed to let go off since the first day in high school. it was one of the moments where i wished i could understand humans and how their brains worked, because all this uncertainty floating between us made the air thick till the point it turned suffocating. i wanted to open a window to let fresh air into the shop, but i was way too afraid to move even a single limb.

as soon as he stopped in front of me, eyes fixated on mine, the black cloud above him vanished like it was never there to begin with. my eyes widened, in shock or something else i couldn't tell, though Minho seemed to not even notice that huge change. his soft brown eyes were still fixated on mine, i threatened to get lost in this endless universe wouldn't it be for his hands slowly finding their place on my soft rosy cheeks. his touch still made my skin tingle like back in high school, still made my heart go wild and my fingers itch to touch his skin as well. but i couldn't react fast enough, because his lips meeting mine after all this time left me breathless and my mind go haywire. his lips were still as chapped and rugged as they used to, letting me relish the old familiarity. though unlike the rough kisses we exchanged in our wild youth, this one was more of a soft lullaby, his lips moving slowly like they were afraid to break me more than i already was.

i wished this moment would never end, but it eventually did, the bubble of green with a tint of blue vanished into thin air, waking us up from the slumber, waking Minho up from whatever state he was in, his eyes widening. and as fast as his lips were on mine, as fast he disappeared through my door into the world outside, leaving me standing in between all my flowers with this conflicting feeling overtaking all of my body.

_ "why can't you just realise?" _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually really like this chapter, idk.  
also, aggressive kissing in the empty hallway cliche, yes or yes?


	6. chapter V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything's a chaos, just like my mind.

on my way home this night, my mind seemed to be completely blank. like i turned over a side in my book of life but i didn't know how to begin this new chapter. so i just sat there in front of the old and worn out book, my green pencil between my fingers and my gaze unfocused till the point i gave up with a desperate sigh and closed it. the longing feeling to fill those pages didn't die down, though, still as present as every day, still as suffocating as this uncertainty between Minho and i.

so, like a child, i kicked a little pebble stone in front of me to distract me from the quiet screams surrounding me. they always filled the nights in Seoul with sorrow, though everybody pretended they didn't hear them when daytime returned. i felt sorry for them, was my scream from yesterday night a present part of them as well. but now they just intensified the feeling in my chest, like someone would press on it and watch me desperately gasping for air till i gave up because they knew i wouldn't succeed. i hated this feeling, this anxiety lurking over my shoulder. it returned after i graduated, after i stopped painting my skin with those beautiful hues of purple and blue, but i refused to go back to this pitiful young boy.

with a sigh, i abandoned the pebble stone that kept me company, now my shadow remaining the only one beside me. my feet automatically chose the path that would lead me home, but my mind bridled at the thought of returning home to my empty apartment. so i rather changed the direction to a place i haven't seen for such a long time, a place my mind and heart always found peace from the potpourri that usually occupied them.

it was an abandoned hut near han river, back in the days it probably was used as a small tavern, but now nobody dared to even look at it when they passed by, because it was claimed as haunted from all the broken men that boozed themselves to death here, never letting go. it kind of reminded me of my hideout on the high school property, though this old tavern lacked of the beautiful written words on dead wood. and the colors turned from everything to nothing, there just remained a black dust i loathed with every single fibre of my body. but it gave me protection from the ghost of his touch following me, so i welcomed the shelter.

my finger slowly wandering over the rotten wood, absorbing the black dust and replacing it with faint-hearted yellow, i tried to order my thoughts. separating the rough kisses from Minho back in high school from the soft lullaby he sang me with his lips today, i couldn't help myself but think that something has changed. not only the way his fingers caressed my skin, but also the way his lips no longer tasted like blood, only blood, never anything else, never fully pleasing. now they tasted so blue, as if tears had found their way over his lips in desperate moments. and at this realisation my mind started to scream again, pointing a finger at me like it wanted to say "look, look what you've done, this is all your fault!" and i couldn't deny the blame.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ my third year in high school had arrived and i couldn't be happier with my life at this point. people may have claimed my way of living couldn't be healthy at all, like i can't be serious with truly being content the way it is, but i didn't care what people said, not anymore. it costed me years to realize that humanity is something that accuses everything as wrong that wouldn't follow what it claims to be normal; and i wasn't normal, my bruised skin glistening in the sun, attracting so many disapproving gazes that i lost the count on it. and everything i could do was bestow them with a smile that reached my eyes, turning them into crescents. _

_ so waking up and feeling like ten days rain wasn't something i was used to anymore. i always had this tingling sensation watching over me, telling me when something bad is bound to happen, and exactly this feeling saying hi to me on this day while i was preparing my tea let me halt in my steps and overthink my choice of actually going to school today. i can't really describe it, but it's like when you're about to make a decision and everything inside you is telling you that you shouldn't do it, that it's wrong, that it'll only bring you pain. but as naive as i was, i just shook off the goosebumps this feeling brought me and went on with preparing my tea, the piercing green surrounding me like a warning, floating between my fingers and caressing my skin. _

_ as i stepped over the threshold of the huge entrance doors of my school, the tingling sensation intensified, letting me shudder. my gaze wandered around in the buzzing hallways, but i couldn't find the origin of this suffocating feeling of being watched, so i made my way to my locker at the end of this corridor, passing by the group of what you could call the cool kids, normally always surrounding Minho like he's some sort of god wandering through this school. i wouldn't say i hated them, but my eyes rather averted their dominant figures. they aren't people i liked to waste my time on. _

_ though as i was about to pass them by, i heard my name being muttered by the shortest of the group, venom dripping from his lips like he just spoke out aloud the name of Voldemort himself. i slowed down my pace, eager on staying invisible like i'm so used to, so their gazes wouldn't fix on me and interrupt their conversation. i wasn't really proud of eavesdropping something i definitely shouldn't hear, though the green mixed with gray floating around them, a combination i've never seen before, made me stay and listen, made me live an illusion of safety. _

_ i couldn't stay too close to their gathering since the risk of being seen was just too high, but i still understood bits of what they were saying. the meaning, though, i couldn't really understand. see, humans were always a mystery to me i gave up on solving a long time ago; so why their discussion about Minho was mixed with my name was something my brain couldn't really process. but what it could process was the coldness in their eyes whenever they passed my name around like a bad omen, the gray that seemed to intensify whenever they attached Minho's name to mine. and in the end, everything that i could really grasp, that broke the bubble around them like it was punctured by thousands of arrows, was the one sentence i feared the most. _

_ "Jisung... ruining Minho… bits by bits…" _

_ i couldn't tell why, but my heart shattered by the black poison engulfing those desperate words. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

i stepped through the door into the normal world again, no longer willing to drown in the memories of my high school days i'd rather forget. the moon wasn't shining no longer but rather clouds now found their place on the dirty sky. it smelled like rain, like the last weeks in Seoul as well, and lonely scattered stars painted the night sky with their already extinct light. in spite of everything it was a beautiful night.

it was kind of ironic, i thought, because the sky seemed to have mirrored the memories that left me without a single breath, turning it into a land of melancholy but still reflecting the joviality of a young heartbeat.

i continued my way through the dirty alleys till i thought i got lost, but i didn't beg my feet to stop, i couldn't. i needed to let go of the familiarity everything around me held, needed to let go of the memories of Minho that hid behind every dumpster i passed. it was kind of ridiculous, that i never noticed them before, but i think being oblivious was always something i was quite good at.

since high school, i surrounded myself with a bubble that didn't let through anything that could possibly hurt me and i think that that kiss i received from Minho today destroyed the bubble i called my home. maybe i should be angry at him, for making me relive all this grief i tried to ignore, but i couldn't. i couldn't when everything that occupied my mind was his soft brown eyes staring at me like i was so fragile and his fingers on mine with that gentle touch of his. i couldn't when everything that let my heart beat faster was a kiss from his chapped but warm lips, sending me into heaven.

maybe a simple night walk couldn't solve my problems after all.


	7. chapter VI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a reference of my favourite movie "the handmaiden" in there, everyone who finds it gets a cookie.

_ the smoke escaping my chapped lips was from a peculiar beauty, floating around my fingers and escaping into the oddly warm winter sky. this night, it had snowed. glittering white figurines falling down from the crying gray clouds above our heads, Seoul was slowly covered in a soft blanket of snowflakes. i knew it wouldn't stay like this for a long time, though; the city being too busy, the beautiful white soon turned into gray mud lingering on the sides of each path in this godforsaken city. i felt sorrow for this kind that's only achievement was to just turn these buzzing streets into for once quiet and calm concrete, but it seemed like nobody and nothing could put Seoul to sleep. _

_ maybe i wasn't so different from the place i grew up in after all, i thought. because even tired eyelids couldn't shut my running mind up, rather creating an even bigger potpourri inside my head. so i ended up at my window, my gaze hovering over the skyline of Seoul in the night, though i doubted it was night at all, because scattered lights illuminated the people still hurrying from one point to the other deep in the night as if it was day. _

_ my trembling fingers clasping a cigarette found their way to my mouth, taking a deep breath from it, my thoughts once again screamed at me just how much i hated this suffocating feeling, this burning sensation when my intake of breath was just too desperate, just too blue. _

_ and when the smoke escaped my chapped lips again, floating around my fingers, rising to the night sky and disappearing somewhere on the way, my thoughts started to clear up till they just formed one single word, a word i was just so afraid of. _

_ Minho. _

_ my eyes hadn't met his soft brown ones for such a long time now. since the words dripping with venom escaped the lips of one of Minho's friends, my feet started going ways they wouldn't go before, my head rather hanging low, my twitching fingers hidden behind too long sleeves. i didn't know why i was even doing that, because my body was rather working on its own than taking the time to inform me its intentions, knowing i wouldn't understand it anyway. i just knew i dreaded this feeling bubbling in my chest, trying to tell me that something was missing. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

trudging through the skeevy gray something covering the concrete, i struggled to maintain the red string that has formed over the lonely weekend, struggling to not let it escape and hurry through the busy people overflowing the pavement till i no longer could see it with my weary eyes. monday mornings were especially tiresome, because people seemed to be just that tad more on edge but still so, so exhausted. almost running businessmen and -women and hounded shop owners scurried by me as i made my way to my own shop with slow steps, something in me held me back on returning just too fast.

i used the weekend for thoughts i hadn't dared to think till now, on feelings i hadn't thought of embracing before. it may seem like nothing else than what i've done since after rugged lips met mine in such a mesmerising way, though i think i've never really considered the warm beating of my heart as something i should pay attention to. i was especially bad at letting go of my doubting mind since i was let down by nothing more than people i trusted with all of my heart. sometimes, it feels like i can't even form a single coherent thought without fearing that it may not seem what is truly inside me, trying to break free.

so clearing my mind till the point of only a red string remaining inside of which i'm completely and utterly sure of being all i want was especially hard, draining me from energy i didn't have.

slowly, my feet took up their pace, the moments between them hitting the freezing concrete got shorter each second passing, till the feeling of flying took over my body, my fingers twitching because of the impatience fogging my mind. it was so long ago.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ i always believed Minho had this kind of hostility that made him avoid everyone he thought of being below him, made him wear this gaze every time his clenched fist met my skin in this exhilarating way. i never considered something more seething under his skin. _

_ but the day Minho approached me after such a long time of never crossing paths, i once again doubted every single assumption i've made in the hollowness of my mind. _

_ Minho's eyebrows were drawn together like the potpourri occupying his mind for days still was as present as the dark bags under his eyes that seemed to cry of sleepless nights. the sure way he used to carry himself was completely gone, rather replaced by sadness pressing down on his shoulders. _

_ my heart clenched at the sight of him, filling with sorrow for this once strong man, now only a broken teen like everyone else around him. i wondered what made him like this, made his feet drag over the floor, like he didn't even bother to lift them properly anymore. but Minho didn't leave me enough time to open my mind to thoughts pouring out, because him grabbing my wrist with such a force left me speechless. _

_ he dragged me away from prying eyes into the corridor we met for the first time, where i faced the possibility of such a strong wind, turning over many sides in my book of life without ever filling them, forcing itself into it like a mark covering every single inch of the pages. Minho always was a constant present without filling them up completely, ever. _

_ but as soon as we were alone, he picked up such a black pencil for the first time i ever knew, the pencil dripping with dullness. it reminded me of the black words written on dying wood in my hideout. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

my feet slowly came to a halt in front of my flower shop, my winter darlings outside greeting me with the happiness they're always filled with. slowly, i reached for my keys, unlocking the door to another world with such wariness, afraid of making the wrong choice in such a dangerous time. nonetheless, i stepped over my threshold with a faint "Ting-A-Ling!" accompanying my entrance, but the wary feeling wouldn't leave and make place for the calmness the scent of my darlings usually brought me.

the light inside my shop was dull, my summer flowers sleeping through the winter covering the earth outside, therefore not spending the golden hue they usually did. it seemed almost cold, lonely, a dark feeling pressing down on me, making the air thick. it tried to grab me but i skipped a step to dodge the sorrow wanting to fill me up. i had a red string and i wouldn't let anything cut it through; not today.

i turned the light on, signalling the people passing by this shop that it's no longer abandoned for the day. my fingers also reached for the power switch of the radio, but i flinched back, savouring the wrong taste on my tongue of filling this silence with happy tunes.

my fingers, though, started to tremble again as i heard the small bell above my entrance chime as a customer stepped over the threshold. not expecting a human entering this world so early in the morning, i nearly was afraid of turning around and facing reality.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ Minho's presence was accompanied by a sharpness and utter anger, the softness in his eyes every time his gaze met mine was completely gone, replaced by a dark something i couldn't decipher. it looked a little like sadness residing in his dim gaze, but tears were missing all along the way, just feeling so wrong. _

_ his hands grabbed my wrist once again after mustering me with his dark brown irises, the gaze i couldn't decipher gave way to fear as soon as laughing voices reached our ears, echoing through the seemingly empty corridor. he dragged me through the door i, back then, stared at so longingly, so often i lost the count on. it was the door Minho stepped through on the day we first met. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

strong steps were heard as the person that just entered my shop slowly approached me. i could recognise those steps everywhere.

suddenly, the eagerness that engulfed me and urged me to my shop was gone. so, with unhasty movements, i turned around to face the intruder, meeting my gaze with those dark brown eyes once again. it felt like a throwback, back to all those years ago as we still were two desperate teenagers in high school, my shy gaze looking into his sharp eyes.

he stood just mere inches away from me, towering over me like the times he still painted my skin black and blue. but i wouldn't give in to him. not again.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ we found ourselves in a dance studio, a reflection of myself smiling at me from a huge wall mirror. it made sense, Minho being a dancer. it explained the strong muscles my fingers always caressed when Minho attacked with his lips rather than his fists. _

_ but there wasn't much time to let my gaze wander around the room, soaking in every detail that was presented to me, because Minho grabbed my shoulders, shoved me against the nearest wall without a mirror like he was so used to. _

_ but this time, something seemed different. _

*･☪︎·̩͙

Minho just stood there, staring at me like i'm a kind of phenomenon he spotted for the first time. but nonetheless the fear present in his eyes, he took a step towards me, now even closer than he was before.

and as he raised his hands and started caressing my blushing cheeks, apologies spilled from his lips like a waterfall. but he shouldn't apologise, shouldn't wear this look in his gaze, because my heart beat just the more at his touch; finally his touch against my skin again, which i wished for for so long now.

*･☪︎·̩͙

_ the way Minho looked at me, both pressed together against the wall behind me, was just so  _ ** _vulnerable_ ** _ , the gaze letting shudders run down my back, i suddenly felt bad. bad for avoiding him like he didn't mean the world and more to me, bad for always confronting him with only fists and not fingers, bad for not letting him know this much earlier. _

_ "i'm so sorry, please, please forgive me." _

*･☪︎·̩͙

i couldn't listen to Minho's misery no longer, couldn't endure the hollowness he spilled out. so i made a step forward, now not even a sheet of paper would've fit between us, but i needed his touch, needed the heat of his skin against me.

and i leaned forward and kissed him.

_ and he leaned forward and kissed me. _

and this time, it was just so, so gentle, fingers never stopped caressing my skin.

_ and my fingers found their way into his hair, like they were so used to. _

and his hands found their way over my neck, passing my rapidly beating heart, till they reached my waist, squeezing with such caution.

_ and his lips tasted no longer like blood but rather like sweet candy. _

and his tongue licked over my bottom lip, begging me to open my mouth and let him in.

_ and our tongues fighted about the dominance although we both knew since the beginning that i found it just so alluring to give away the control. _

and he tapped my thighs, warning me before heaving me up on my counter, Minho finding his place between my legs, tilting his head to not let the kiss break.

_ and my legs crossed behind his back after he picked me up, still pressed against the wall of the dance studio. _

and the way he kissed me told just so many stories, just so many feelings he held hidden behind a wall till now.

_ and when we broke the kiss to breathe in some air, the way he looked at me finally was just so satisfying. _

and as i pressed butterfly kisses to his jaw, everything that escaped my lips between the moments they touched his skin, was just so full of love and sorrow.

"please never leave me alone again."


	8. epilogue

i sometimes remember the times i was in high school. memories surrounded with the brightest green, mixing with a dirty gray and black. and sometimes, sometimes there are little dots of blue and yellow, a dull melody of melancholia accompanying the faded moving pictures.

but those memories were slowly replaced. replaced by laughing eyes at the breakfast table. or soft touches accompanied with a warm pastel pink hovering over us while sharing a bed, so soft they made me feel like i was floating. and whenever i opened my eyes after a sleepless night, my eyes caught those ethereal features of a man i finally could call mine, with all of my pride and happiness.

caressing the sleeping features with such love, i slowly freed myself from Minho's protective grasp around my delicate figure, paying attention to making no sounds while standing up and tiptoeing to my still dirty skylight window. it was still covered with those miserable and broken dreams, though i no longer was afraid to allow myself the view of my future, adamant on soon washing the dirt off it.

and when i looked out of the window i realised it hadn't rained for a while now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this story!!  
this was honestly such a wild ride, like damn, props to you if you actually read till the end.  
i hope you at least enjoyed it a little bit, maybe leave a comment and kudos to make me smile.
> 
> if anyone wanna talk to me, that's my [twitter](https://twitter.com/DieAvocadoTwins)  
also, i drew a pic for the story that you can find [here](https://twitter.com/DieAvocadoTwins/status/1189285067035697152?s=19) (i'm not good at drawing but give me love anyways)
> 
> have a lovely day and i hope we'll see us soon!!


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